her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
You Might Also Like
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
2022 will be better than 2021
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is