her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
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People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”