Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

It do be feeling this way.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Heroic Misunderstanding

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.