Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

I bet birds love this building.

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”