Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

every single time

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.