her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is