Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

next question.

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*