her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
mariah carrie
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.