her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those