Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
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What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
middle school in the ’90s
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Challenge accepted.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I pray every night that I never become religious…