Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

😬

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.

pls suprot

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off