Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille

when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

Lol

<- sleeps well with others

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!