@Hobo_Splendido

Her: Want to have sex?
Me: Yes
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?

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@BoyCalledAnn

In Australia, nah-yeah means yes, yeah-nah means no and nah-nah means banana.

@shawnspree

Girls that are 16 and pregnant look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.

@saggiesplinters

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

@Pork_Chop_Hair

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

@PostCultRev

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

@mom_ontherocks

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

@Babasnookie

Anyone else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon right now?

@liv_thatsme

There are so many scary things in life:
-fear
-hate
-murder
-injustice
-the woman in line behind me who just said “boughten”

@rogermacginty

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

@poutinesmoothie

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.