@Hobo_Splendido

Her: Want to have sex?
Me: Yes
H: And maybe we can meet back here after?

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@sofarrsogud

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

@WheelTod

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

@sixfootcandy

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

@RoosterMustache

*bursts into church*

DONT MARRY THAT WOMAN

Undertaker: “This is a funeral”

OKAY WELL IT STILL HOLDS TRUE, DONT MARRY HER

@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@captaincoximus

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

@girlnarly

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you play dumb with me, I swear to God I will play even dumber. HOW DARE YOU? I INVENTED DUMB

@RodLacroix

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.