Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
You Might Also Like
😾
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.