Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
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me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
The most accurate map ever devised.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.