Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Not all heroes wear capes…
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My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.