Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you