Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Breaking news:

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I disagree with my politics

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

[Walmart customer service]

ME: i want to talk to the manager.

MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?

ME: no, i just want to talk.