Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Spa day..😅
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in