Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
the worm is coming from inside the brain
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack