Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.