Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
When your man makes a valid point
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.