Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
If I had a dollar for every time a first-time pregnant woman looked me in the face and told me she could tell that her baby was gonna have a “chill personality,” I could buy you a Subway™️ sandwich. Not one of the cheap ones either, one of the limited series.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
what my late-night hot pocket sees
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it