Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Husband: You should get your hair cut.
Miss 11: If I get my hair cut I’m not giving you any
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?