Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.

Anyway he didn’t call.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.