HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
me after eating Cheetos
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Merry Christmas
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves