Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.