Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

Snack for election night!

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

they say humans share 50% of their DNA with the banana. for some of you i think that number is even higher

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Nobody ever told me that this was an option.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.