Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Is this you?

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

– What have you come as?

– A Werewolf.

– But… they’re your normal clothes.

– It’s not a full moon.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.