Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
A Monday every week is excessive
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.