Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

me: u ok babe?

babe: oink

-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

🥴

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

I’m too immature for adultery.

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?