Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Saw your ex at the shops
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
The smoothest fall of all time
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.