Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
S O O N
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.