Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

Me: I could survive in the wild.

Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.

Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”