Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.