Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.