Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.

I’m good, thanks.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.

Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet