HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
man: wait
time: no
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on