HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
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Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you