Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He picked a fight with a raccoon”

HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

why isn’t thunder called soundning

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

No Google it does not

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.