Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Born to be mild.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on