Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.