Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
What if all the cashiers are married?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany