Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Previously On Persistence 😎
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying