Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.