her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife