her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
nyc:
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
never forget
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.