Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

opening twitter today

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

😭🤣

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”