her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?