Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?