Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
*checks Timeline*…
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best