Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
You Might Also Like
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>