Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

I spelt ‘necessities’ correctly in one go, and now i am not sure if i have improved or AC is broken!?!

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

I am crying

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Someone: Im in town!

New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.