her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
All of my best ideas involve jail time.