Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

bat life

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.