Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

an octopus is just a wet spider

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.