Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Got ya covered

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”