Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?

my four year old: a pizza shop

me: *fills out her application to harvard*

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.