Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

🫶

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.