Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said

“Engage with the wider community”, they said

“You have the right to remain silent”, they said

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

*fills out form*

*clicks “send me a copy”*

email: *dings*

me: ooh what’s that

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.