her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
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Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub