Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I am all good here, 😂😉
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.