Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
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“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.