Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…