Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
You Might Also Like
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Cat is stressing him out.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*