Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Them: “Did you know you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?”
Me: “Oh my brain does that when I’m out and I see people I know”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Beauty and the Beast
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.