Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea