Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home