Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym