Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

here we go again

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.