HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
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My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
What the dentist sees
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them