Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly