Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

Ferrari squats

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.

Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!