Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
You Might Also Like
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.