Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
i spent way too long on this
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.