her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Sheep
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Yup!
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*ernest hemingway voice*
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.